dearest daughters & son

My Living List: 25 things I want you to know about Living Life

Dearest Daughters,

I'm writing this list because now is as good a time as any. That being said, I do think about what you will remember when I'm gone.

I wouldn’t say I’ve been suicidal in the clinical sense of having “a plan,” but I’ve certainly entertained the thought of death. And in my darkest moments—not just once, but still—the only reason I can think of to not run away or run my car into a ditch, the only reason I can think of to stay alive is to not hurt the people that love me. When I start to think about you growing up without a mommy, I know that I have to be in that picture. That is my “reason for living” in the most morbid and inspirational senses of the phrase.

Death is something that my mind spirals to on a daily basis surrounding me in a bizzard of What Ifs. What if I get in a car accident? What if I get cancer? What if there’s an earthquake or a tsunami or a zombie apocalypse? What if something happened to you?

In my right mind, I know that it does no good to think about death. It is a certain thing, but we, as humans, must deny this reality on a daily, hourly basis in order to focus on the Living part of Life. We cannot be paralyzed by the fear of death or bad things happening. We must Live in the present. #mindfulness

And yet, I find myself wondering whether I’m Living my best Life, whether I have any regrets or unfinished business, whether I’ve told you I love you enough?

One day—hopefully no time soon, but one day, I will pass. And there are things I want you to know—about me, about your family, about yourselves, about Living Life. Many of those things you’ll find on this blog should you one day choose to pore through it.

Until then, here is my Living List—25 things that I want you to know about Living Life:

1. Crazy is in your blood. Not just clinical crazy—which you should be aware of, but bathrobe-curlers-clashing-red-and-purple-mile-long-nails-bingo-daubber-disco-disco-gun-in-your-purse-capital-C-R-A-Z-Y. That would be thanks to your Great Grandma Marie.

2. You don’t have to grow up to be religious or believe in particular teachings, but know that I believe in a loving and gracious God. And if you choose not to, I’ll believe for you, because I see God in you—from your first steps to your missteps and everything in between.

3. You do need to grow up to be kind, thoughtful and caring—not because you are girls or because you are doormats, but because you will consider and be understanding of people, places and forces beyond yourself.

4. You will seek knowledge. The more you know, the more you’ll realize how little you know. Ignorance isn’t a lack of knowledge, it is a lack of desire to know. Let your curiosity be your guide.

5. Family is family. If it looks like a family, talks like a family, walks like a family, then it’s a family. Be family.

6. I say, we can dance if we want to / We can leave your friends behind / Because your friends don't dance / And if they don't dance / Well they're no friends of mine. (source)

7. Be close to your siblings. I mean realrealclose. See, talk and text with each other weekly if not daily. Have unwavering loyalty. Be willing to cut a b*tch. Laugh with and at each other. Make fun of your parents together. Always say yes—to watching their children, to putting out their trash, to going on vacation. When I get old or am gone, you’ll have one another to help decide my fate, to cry into each other’s arms, to take my trash tchotchkes to the dump.

8. Falling in love makes you grow Stupid Cells. You’ll fall madly, deeply in love—maybe more than once. Once the experience of falling in love has worn off, make sure your Stupid Cells didn’t grow into a tumor. If they did, get it removed immediately.

9. Trust your gut. It’s never too late to say no, to turn around, to back out.

10. Always practice safe sex. Enough said.

11. Look for integrity and respect in your partners. If you don’t know what that looks like, pay attention to how he treats his parents or how she treats your waiter.

12. Judge no one, except for assholes. Assholes are assholes.

13. Love is a choice. We all love and like to be loved differently: in words, in acts, in gifts, in time, in touch. Be aware of how you love and like to be loved. Fill others with love and allow yourself to be filled.

14. Be passionate about something. Anything.

15. Practice doesn’t make perfect. Practice makes practice. Take breaks, but never stop practicing.

16. When you’re lost, go get lost in nature.

17. Believe you are worthy. This is more than having good self-esteem or confidence. Know that you are worthy—of love, of attention, of time for yourself, of treating yourself, of pursuing your passions, of taking up space, of existing.

18. Play—music, with paint, with a ball. Play with your friends, your children, by yourself. Make-believe and make time. Laugh at silly things and wonder at the playfulness of creation.

19. You can’t wear makeup until I say you can or until you’re sixteen, whichever comes first. And you’ll wear quality makeup that accentuates your beauty. You are not a clown. No tattoos or piercings until you are eighteen and out of the house. And I shouldn’t ever see your booty or your tummy in public. Say no to drugs.

20. If you feel you can’t talk to me, talk to your aunties, uncles, ninangs and ninongs. You are loved more than you know by more people than you know.

21. Know that there are awkward things about being human—poop and farts, bras and periods, wet dreams and body odor, among other things—but there is no shame in the human body. They come in all shapes and abilities. Our bodies can do amazing things—run and jump, spin and tumble, create and transform, see color and movement, feel a soft breeze and immense pleasure, hear whispers and thunder, smell the first rain and bread baking, taste sweetness and snowflakes on the tip of your tongue.

22. Be angry. Be sad. Be outraged. Feel powerful feelings. Do not run or hide from them as they will overwhelm you.
 

23. Do not harbor resentment. Resentment comes from not speaking your truth, from not being vulnerable enough to say what you need or want and then blaming it on someone else.

24. I love you no matter what. My love is unconditional. I will love you in the depths of your pain and mistakes. I will love you in the heights of your success and happiness. I will always be your lap to sit on, your ugly place, your shelter, your sanctuary. I will not always be nice or your friend. I will be the voice that haunts you, that urges you to do better, that annoys you. You will say you hate me. You will want to run away. You will say you love me. You will come back. You will always be my babies and I will always be your mommy.

25. Make good choices.

The season of "I wants"

Dearest Daughters,

The chorus of "I wants" has begun.

And it's publicly known that I'm a mean mom. That is, what you want is probably not what you'll get.

You'll get something made of wood. Something practical. Maybe a hammer. Or a rubber mallet, to be on the safe side. And extremely helpful in assembling IKEA furniture.

I might be a practical gift-giver, but I'm no dream crusher. I let you circle toy Slurpee Machines and Barbie Mansions in the Sunday ad.

(My Little Consumer: So Cute! from Lauren Gibbs-Beadle on Vimeo. Last year, Bel perusing the Toys 'R Us ad.)

I ask you what you what you like about the helium-filled remote control shark. And what you imagine you'd do with that talking fur ball toy.

And, I'll admit, sometimes I get a little sassy. Like: why do you think you need that play kitchen when you already have a perfectly good one?

Mostly, I say: put it on your list. Then, we don't have to discuss it any further.

And as long as you're looking, I suggest that you look less for things you want and more for things that you think your family and friends would want. And I try not to say anything when you propose that your Baby Cousin wants a Power Wheels Hummer.

It seems like a little bit of a parenting set-up to expect us to teach you about gratitude and thankfulness in November with Christmas taunting, bejeweled and flashing, around every corner.

I know the right answer is that it's that much more important to teach you about gratitude when Christmas is around the corner. And when Advent comes, it'll be a whole 'nother round of moral messaging, waiting for baby Jesus to get here.

There are lots of things that I've tried to do to teach you to be thankful for what you have, not only during the holiday season, but every day. Only a few have really stuck.

The first one I learned about from Bel's Ninong because he does it with his girls--but Dr. Christine Carter talks about it in her book, my parenting bible, Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents. That's where I got the other ideas, below, too.

Talk about kindness. Every night at dinner (okay, almost every night) I ask you what kind thing you did today and if there was a kind thing someone did for you. Usually, the answer for both is "playing nicely."

It's also a time for me to think about my day. If I was thankful enough for the kind things others did for me--if I was even aware of the kind things.

In our society, especially, where we pay for goods and services, we tend to think that we are entitled to things; that we deserve to be treated a certain way, as we order our non-fat lattes and such. Simultaneously, all civility has been thrown out the window, such that when a stranger holds a door for you or smiles, it seems the exception to the rule.

Sometimes, it's difficult for me to identify any kindness in my day.

Talk explicitly about those who have less than us.  And not just in a vague, threatening I'm-going-to-give-your-toys-to-other-children way (though that does happen out of I-stepped-on-another-abandoned-toy frustration.) But, when teachable moments arise, we talk about suffering, pain, poverty, homelessness, hunger and, even, death.

We want to protect our children, to shield them, to hurry past the panhandlers and the people whose demons cry out to us on the street. As adults, it's easy to ignore these things. But, my children see them anyway.

So, we talk about them. And I don't always have the words or answers. And I rarely have a solution or any idea of what to say or do next. But, for now, the important thing is that you girls know that many folks don't have what we have and to develop your empathy, to teach you to be considerate of others (at all times), and to provide you with opportunities to feel compassion.

Source: kwavs.blogspot.com via Lauren on Pinterest

(blessing bags from Pinterest, something we've done before)

Flip your assumptions on their head. The other thing I've done in the past that helps to teach you gratitude is to address your ingratitude, your assumptions, the things you take for granted.

When you start acting sassy, entitled, demanding--spoiled--I try not to indulge you.

I'll give you the three-year-old occasional mis- and over-usage of absolutes, like always and never. But, when you say, "Mommy you always make dinner" or "I always get a sweet snack after dinner" or "I never have to do garbage chores because Daddy does them" or you just aren't saying please and thank you--that's exactly the moment where I don't make dinner, you don't get a sweet snack, you put the recylcing out, or you don't get what you want.

It sounds harsh, not making you dinner, but it gives you the opportunity to do something kind for me, making peanut butter sandwiches or tortilla pizzas for dinner. And you're much more appreciative the next day.

 

There's not much that I want, I'm not from a family that made Christmas lists or wrote to Santa. That's mostly because I wanted for nothing.

As a child (and even today), whenever I asked Lola what she wanted for her birthday or Christmas, she always replied that she wanted "happy children." I suppose she means not only a child who is joyful, who is fulfilled by what she does, but also a child who has no reason to be discontented, who appreciates, with wonder and thankfulness all that she has.

On my list this year is: happy children, kind and compassionate children, considerate and grateful children.

Doesn't seem like much, and yet it does.

To quote your Uncle Bruce's benediction that he has used over the past couple decades of his ministry:

"Go forth into the world
With compassion and justice in your heart
Give strength to the weak
Give voice to the silent
See one another
Hear one another
Care for one another
And love one another
It’s all that easy
And it’s all that hard"

Love,

From Your Experienced, Thoughtful and Faithful Lolopop

Dearest Daughters,

I'm a woman, I'm a person of color, I'm biracial/bi-cultural, I'm a Californian, I'm well-educated, I've traveled the world and beheld poverty and violence and extreme wealth, I've taught it Watts, I was once a vegetarian and I believe supremely, above all else, in the Two Greatest Commandments to love God and love your neighbor (no matter what)... so you might be able to construe many things about me and my politics.

While I hope that not only my mind, but also my heart and my faith show in the letters that I write to you, I don't get too political too often.

And, yes, the election is coming up. And I will exercise my right and privilege to vote. But, I'm not posting the following because of Proposition 34 itself. Mine is not a blog to convince anyone of anything. But it is a place to share words of wisdom.

As such, here is Lolopop's letter to Auntie Merissa about an upcoming California proposition that would repeal capital punishment.

You won't be old enough to vote for 15 (and 16) years, so read this not as a voter guide, but as a letter to you from my Daddy, your Lolopop, sharing his life experience, his thoughtfulness and his faith.

 

(Me as a baby. Oh wait, I mean the wise woman and man to whom I was born.)

 

Letter to Merissa about Proposition 34 Repealing Capital Punishment [originally published here]

My niece, Merissa recently wrote to me asking my opinion on Proposition 34, which would replace capital punishment (i.e. "the death penalty) with a sentence of Life without Possibility of Parole.  With her permission, following is the response I wrote:

To Merissa, my sweet and amazing niece, who I helped raise from the day you were born:

I am flattered that you asked for my opinion on California Proposition 34, which would replace the capital punishment (i.e. "the death penalty") with a sentence of Life without Possibility of Parole. As you know, I worked as a peace officer in California Prisons for 23 years. Since I was your neighbor for 10 of those years, you probably remember that I did not wear a uniform. That is because I was not a "guard" (they actually prefer to be called Correctional Officers). I'd tell you my official title, but that wouldn't tell you much about what I did. My job was like a Parole Officer, except I worked with inmates in the prisons before they were released, rather than afterward. So I worked directly with inmates daily, often getting to know their background, substance abuse history and criminal history very well; understand their attitudes towards their crimes and their victims; and get to know them individually.

You might think because of my experience that I would support capital punishment. At first I did. Partly because I felt that, for my safety and that of other peace officers, there needs to be an ultimate penalty for killing a peace officer. If someone is already serving life in prison, what do they have to lose by killing me? Or somebody who has committed a horrible crime and is facing arrest and a lengthy term, what do they have to lose by killing the police officer who is trying to arrest them? And shouldn't it be a really bad penalty for those who commit the most heinous crimes?

But over the years my work helped change the way I looked at capital punishment. But more importantly, my work forced me to really look to my faith for answers to everyday problems I faced working in the prisons. Many people I worked with became very jaded and cynical from working with the worst of criminals who end up in prison. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't worked in a prison or jail, but it's like the people guarding the prison see and read so much bad stuff that they lose faith in human nature. Over time they become a little like the people they guard, not criminally, but psychologically. I saw this right away in others who worked there for years before me, and I didn't want to end up like them. I had no where else to turn, but my faith, for inspiration to go to work everyday, and to make the hundreds of little decisions that would define me as either a cynical person or a person of faith. And if I relied on my faith for the little decisions, then what about the big questions? I had to ask myself, as a Christian, what do I believe about killing? Well, based on my experience with criminals AND my personal faith journey, here are five reasons I can give you for opposing capital punishment:

1)  You can't get around it, the Bible clearly says killing is wrong. It doesn't provide for any exceptions. No wiggle room there.  I think the only possible exception is if you kill someone in the defense of your life or another's life, but the Bible doesn't even give you that. And it doesn't work to ignore the issue and pretend you're not responsible because you're not the one "pulling the switch." It's like being opposed to killing animals but eating steak.  As a member of our society, if you don't oppose the death penalty then you are just as guilty of killing the condemned person as the people on the jury who imposed it, the judge who allows it, the prison staff who facilitate it and the person who "pulls the switch."  Some Christians quote the Old Testament to justify capital punishment, but it's mostly God who goes around killing people and we are not God.  The other's who kill also do a lot of other bad things, so you can't say it's okay to kill because King David did it.

2)  Contrary to arguments of some, capital punishment does NOT deter anybody from committing murder.  I have talked to hundreds of murderers in detail about their motives for committing murder, and NOT ONE of them ever said they were thinking they'd get caught, much less that they might be put to death.  They were a) Overwhelmed with anger at the victim for some reason and couldn't stop themselves; or b) They committed the murder in the course of committing another crime, like a robbery gone bad, and never thought it would come to murder; or c) They are criminally insane and either driven by their inner demons to take someones life, they are incapable of feeling any remorse for their victims, or they don't think laws apply to them.

Sure, you could argue that the ones that were deterred wouldn't be in prison.  But I am convinced that my experience says something basic about human nature:  Most of us stop short of taking someone's life, regardless of the provocation.  Then there are those who may understand murder is wrong, but in a moment of anger or in a specific situation or because they just don't care about life, they lack the self control to stop. You can debate about what caused them to be like this: Is it genetics, upbringing, childhood trauma... But  in the situation or moment, nothing would have deterred them because they weren't thinking about being caught.

If you think about it, what does it mean when you say someone can be deterred from committing murder by any form of punishment?  Do we think murder is like jaywalking...if we think the police aren't looking it is OK? What kind of person thinks "Gee, I'm thinking I need to murder my wife, but I don't know...if I get caught I might be killed!  I guess I better not do that!"  If one believes people are like this, then I will pray for them because they have a really nihilistic view of people and the world.  My experience with criminals is that 90% are not violent.  They may sell drugs or steal your car stereo to support their drug habit, but if faced with getting caught and sent to prison, they submit to arrest rather than try to kill the officer to escape.  For them, it is like when we jaywalk, except their line of acceptable behavior is a little more extreme.

3) There is absolutely no question that capital punishment wastes tax dollars.  There is something called "Life without Possibility of Parole" which means that they will NEVER be released from prison under any circumstances.  We could house every inmate on "death row" in a normal maximum security prison for the rest of their natural lives for less than it costs to house inmates on death row, especially when you add in all the costs of handling the numerous appeals filed on behalf of death row inmates.  Some people argue that if we limited their appeals and killed them faster, it would save money.  But when you consider the number of inmates who have been sentenced to death and subsequently acquitted, if we are going to have capital punishment we MUST allow exhaustive appeals for every death row inmate to minimize the chance that an innocent person is executed.  Anyway, it is the nature of our justice system that the convicted have the right to appeal.  The alternative is a Russian style justice system where guilt is usually determined BEFORE the trial.

4)  Speaking of innocent people being found guilty of murder and sentenced to death:  There are proven cases where, despite the appellate system, innocent people have been executed.  There was a man in Texas last year whose innocence was clearly proven after his trial but, never-the-less, he was executed after the Supreme Court refused to permit any more appeals and the Governor refused to grant a pardon.  What is the moral cost to us, the stain on our souls, if we allow EVEN ONE innocent person to be executed on our behalf?  Life without Parole can be reversed if the person is subsequently acquitted.  Death cannot be reversed.

5)  Even if none of the above are persuasive, consider this:  THE JUSTICE SYSTEM IS RACIST!!!  I've seen the result first hand. Blacks and Latinos are far more likely to be arrested, receive a stiffer plea-bargain offers, go to prison, and yes, to receive capital punishment than are whites.  People of color receive far greater sentences than white people who commit the same crime under the same circumstances.  The causes are many.  Among them:  Inner-city predominantly Black and Latino people usually do not have the resources to hire a good private attorney to represent them; instead they are stuck with an overworked and often younger, inexperienced public defender.  Judges and juries are predominantly white, even in big cities.  Some of the judges and juries could be unconsciously biased, or just plain racist? (Ya think!) Inner-city youth  often grow up in situations that seem hopeless - raised by a single parent who has to work two jobs just to survive, high unemployment, few good role models, dilapidated schools with burned-out teachers who are past caring, gangs, pervasive drug culture - they can easily fall into a pattern of increasingly destructive and illegal behavior.  It is hard to blame a kid entirely when they see no one in their neighborhood succeed, except the local drug dealers who drive nice cars and wear expensive clothes.

Bottom line, we live in a society where racism still exists.  Sometimes there are bigoted people.  More often it is just a social structure that favors people with more money, which roughly correlates with less skin color; what I have always called "institutional racism."  Until we can GUARANTEE that every accused person receives absolutely fair and impartial treatment in the judicial system, I think it is morally bankrupt...no, it is OUTRIGHT SINFUL, to continue executing more people of color than whites.

These are my thoughts, but not necessarily the only way to look at the issue.  I hope it is helpful, but however you vote on this issue, I know you will vote your heart, because I know you have a good heart.

Love you,

Uncle Joel [Lolopop]

Peep Our Week and Share Our Joy

Dearest Daughters,

I'm super exhausted and have a lot of first world problems to whine about, but don't we all?

Great! Now that we've accepted that we sometimes get worried, angry, anxious, etc., we can move on to focusing on the positive instead of holding on to our stress and having totally evolutionarily-maladaptive-oh-shit-I'm-being-chased-by-imaginary-lions panic attacks! (So the self-affirmations go. Or something like that.)

And there is a lot of positive on which to refocus my energies. A lot of joy that I used to let pass by, as I clung to God-knows-what instead. There's so much. Like a truck load. Like a caravan of big rigs on I-5 load.

It would be greedy to keep it all to ourselves. It's our obligation to share our joy with the world, is it not?!

Says who?

Well, Charlotte Bronte, for starters:

“Happiness quite unshared can scarcely be called happiness; it has no taste.”
― Charlotte Brontë

And the ever prolific, Snoop D-O-double-G:

“It ain't no fun if the homies can't have none. ”
― Snoop Dogg

[A bounty of fresh produce.]

“A thing of beauty is a joy forever.”
― John Keats

[Family fitness.]

“There is not one blade of grass, there is no color in this world that is not intended to make us rejoice.”
― John Calvin

[Keeping ourselves entertained at a strip mall and at home (Bel's photography!)]

“There are random moments - tossing a salad, coming up the driveway to the house, ironing the seams flat on a quilt square, standing at the kitchen window and looking out at the delphiniums, hearing a burst of laughter from one of my children's rooms - when I feel a wavelike rush of joy. This is my true religion: arbitrary moments of of nearly painful happiness for a life I feel privileged to lead.”
― Elizabeth Berg, The Art of Mending

[Play dough.]

Beauty is whatever gives joy.”
― Edna St. Vincent Millay

[That lovable, loyal Lapu dog!]

“An infinite question is often destroyed by finite answers. To define everything is to annihilate much that gives us laughter and joy.”
― Madeleine L'Engle

 
[Curly Whirly Twisty Twirly and Honey Badger.]

“Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life


[Sticker party, Everywhere and Meticulous Editions.]

“peace is joy at rest, and joy is peace on its feet”
― Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith


[Partnership, commitment and love. And a little something bubbly.]

“The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it. (21)”
― Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life

 

[Gettin' our backyard business DONE!]

“There  is joy in self-forgetfulness. So I try to make the light in others' eyes my sun, the music in others' ears my symphony, the smile on others' lips my happiness.”

― Helen Keller


Snuggly Blankety iPad Movie Theatre and Sunggly Baby, Period.

Ecclesiastes 9:7-10 (NIV) - ⁷ Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for God has already approved what you do. ⁸ Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil. ⁹ Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun—all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. ¹⁰ Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.

Headed joyfully onward!

Love you no matter what!

P.S. Where is your joy? And when you find it, heed Snoop Dogg's advice: share it with the homies!

 

 

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My new project

"Love after Love"

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

- Derek Walcott

More on poem and Jon Kabat-Zinn's Science of Mindfulness can be found here.

Easter Eggsplanations

Dearest Daughters,

We're coming up on probably the most essential Christian holiday. The one where Jesus dies and then is dead for three days, but then comes back again. Yes, that one.

Suffice it to say, I haven't really mentioned much about that part of Easter to you. Not intentionally, but not un-intentionally, either. Huh?

I just haven't really figured out how to talk to a three year old about the specifics of Easter. Mostly, we talk thematically, you know, spring and bunnies and eggs and new life and chocolate and jelly beans and all that joy.

I'll just stick with that until you start asking your own questions. Maybe you will over the next few days.

Tonight we're going to a Maunday Thursday service; this is a celebration of Jesus' and the disciples last supper. Tomorrow, we'll go to a Good Friday service, which for me is the "best" part of Easter. I'm kind of dark like that. I mean, YAY HURRAH and WHATNOT! for Easter Sunday and the Resurrection. But, you can't to the partying unless Jesus dies first.

Good Friday is somber. And reflective. And intense. Like me.

It's when you're overwhelmed with the notion that someone loves you enough to die for you, to sacrifice. Or you get to thinking about how Jesus had a mom who had to let him go. You think about how human Jesus was. And it all becomes especially poignant for me now that I'm your Mommy.

I'm not comparing myself to Jesus, but I will say that for you girls, I feel a love that is so strong, that I am willing to sacrifice for you. Not just mascara and massages to buy your food. Or my favorite blouse to your snot and vomit. Not just my time and energy.  But, I would literally die for you. I would choose your life over mine. Further, you're not allowed to be Jesus. That is a sacrifice I am NOT willing to make.

So. Uh. Morbid. And theologically, I'm a hot mess. So, I guess, for now, we'll stick with the whole bunny that hides eggs thing.

(Eggs decorated with edible color markers. Credit where credit is due.)

Love,

How Christmas is Life-Altering: a Roku, rearranging furniture, and spreading the gift of Jesus/stickers (plus Bonus Video!)

Dearest Daughters,

Christmas is always life-altering.

There's the reminder that baby Jesus was born and changed the course of the human world - both religiously and historically. But, that's a buzz kill, thinking about how Christianity has affected the socio-political landscape through the centuries.

Instead, we'll turn our attention to happy things. Like candy canes and prime rib and our life-altering Roku.

I told you Santa would bring something that would change life as we know it. Having taken my sort-of-not-shopping hiatus, I'm easily impressed. That, coupled with not having cable for two years and a recent re-discovery of this thing called prime time television, I have a new source of joy!

After you girls, of course. And food. Fried food, specifically.

Christmas was life-altering in another way too. There was this sudden influx of Stuff in our house. From so many loving, giving and generous people.

You don't have to read the following list, unless you have reason to believe that you're on it. And if you're not and think you should be, then sorry I forgot you. And if you want to be on it, you should probably think about sending something. Just kidding, People.

In order of gift appearance:

Lola, Lola, the RCPs (shout out to Youngest for her homemade gifts), Auntie/Ninang Tammie, Uncle/Ninong Ricky, Auntie D, Uncle Ron, Auntie/Ninang Jonelle, Auntie Abby, Uncle Brad, Auntie Judy, Uncle Ham, Grandma Gibbs, Auntie/Ninang Katherine, Grandma Jane, Grandpa James, Auntie Joyce, Auntie Shelly, Auntie Lisa, Auntie Peggy, Super Auntie, Super Uncle, Auntie Sami, Uncle Tristan, Auntie Cheryl, Uncle Chuck, Auntie Merissa, Auntie Kristy, Auntie Katie, Uncle Mike, Auntie Celi, Auntie Jenina, Gramma, Granpa, Auntie Christy, Uncle Travis, Uncle Jahn, Auntie Jhonna, Grandma Anna and all the Kidlets in the aforementioned families.

I'm probably forgetting someone. Suffice it to say, there were a LOT of gifts.

So, of course, to fit all of our new toys into the house, I had to rearrange furniture.

You think I'm joking, but I'm SO NOT.

The last way Christmas was life-altering was the way in which it ought to be. At it's core Christmas is a celebration of the long-expected gifts of Jesus, of the hope, joy, love and peace that God brings into our lives. These are gifts that should be celebrated every day, long after the toys are put away, the tree is taken down, the leftovers are eaten. Long after the stickers are shared.

As we embark into the New Year, into another 365 days, another trip around the sun, let us hold fast to the meaning of this much-celebrated, but quickly forgotten season. Let our lives be altered, not only by the hope, joy, love, and peace we find in Jesus, but also by that which we find in each other, in our family, in everyday strangers, in new friends and old friends, in nature and in the city, in our backyard and a world away. And may our [Christian] experience of hope, joy, love and peace multiply, not divide. Build up, not tear down. Cooperate, not complicate. Embrace, not reject. Celebrate, not just tolerate.

Because God gave us a gift that tells us: God loves us no matter what.

The least we can do is to do the same for others.

World, prepare to be Stickered!

Love you no matter what,

P.S. A special Christmas morning video bonus for the People. I call this "Danielle gets mad at her new toy, but then they are friends again":

Have I Told You Tuesday: Santa is Real. Believe it OR ELSE.

Dearest Daughters,

Every direction I turn, there seems to be someone who doesn't believe in Santa. And they're on all sides of the fence.

Some people feel that Santa is a lie and they don't feel comfortable lying to their children. Except for when they tell them there's no more candy or the television is broken or babies come from Mommy's "tummy" (it's called a uterus, people, grow one and tell your kids the truth.)

And still other people feel like Santa is a secular figure that has no place in the "true" meaning of Christmas. Or they feel that way, and wracked by guilt find ways to somehow justify Santa and Christmas lights and killing trees.

Here's what I believe:

1) As your Uncle Bruce says, embrace the grey.

2) Traditions are wonderful things. We have Christian traditions. And secular traditions. And religious traditions that have become secular. We have ethnic traditions. And co-opted Jewish traditions, because you go to a Jewish preschool and latkes are yummy. Don't get me wrong. I'm no pick-and-chooser, nor am I a fundamentalist. When it comes to beliefs, I have convictions, but I'll never shake a finger at a well-meaning tradition if it expands your experience of the world and makes lasting memories. (See No. 1 above)

3) You better believe it. Santa is real. And though he can be generous, he's also a hard ass. He's a lot like, oh, say, me?

4) Because if you don't believe in Santa, he won't come. If you don't believe in the magic, then the magic obviously wasn't meant for you. So, we'll just pass your magic on to other children and we'll spend our Christmas morning doing the most mundane, lackluster, magic-less and loathed of all tasks: folding laundry.

5) Folding laundry makes me, very specifically, filicidal. So, basically. You can chose to reject Santa. Or you can live.

Make good choices! Because though I really love you, I really hate folding laundry.

Love,

Have I Told You Tuesday: The Story of Your Names - it's not that confusing

Dearest Daughters,

When it comes to names, Filipinos are not lacking in creativity.

One Filipino naming tradition is to give children a name derived from their parents' names. Maryvic. Joseann. Laurichal (I just made that one up). And after all that, they usually just use a self-explanitory nickname like "Boy Boy" or "Girlie." That's on the reals.

I'm a "meaning" person. Things in my life need to have "meaning" or else what's the point? I'm intense like that.

So, when we named you both, we basically followed the above principles: combine names and make sure the names have some significance.

Maribel: Mari- comes from my maternal grandmother, crazy Grandma Reyes/Acoba whose name was, you guessed it, Maria. The -bel part is from your daddy's paternal grandmother whose middle name was Bell. And she hated it. I hope neither of your great grandmothers are turning in their graves.

Danielle Jolee: was simple enough. We wanted to keep pulling names from our families and honor two amazing men, especially since we had bought and moved into our new house and received so much support from them in the year preceding your birth. So, we choose a name from each of your grandfathers, Grampa Beadle and Lolopop.

It is more of a Spanish-speaking world tradition to pass down both the maternal and paternal last names, but it's not unheard of in Filipino families. All of my siblings have or had (before marriage) some combination of Lola's (we all have the same mom) last name, Reyes, and our respective fathers' (there are three of them between the four of us) last name. Your Uncle Bruce's name is hyphenated. Your Auntie D used her last names interchangeably depending on context. And your Unkinan and I were given the middle name Reyes and the last name Gibbs. No hyphen. And the option to use either or both as we saw fit.

Anyway, all that is to say, that we gave you both the middle name Reyes. It is a Spanish name, given to my grandfather's family during colonial occupation of the Philippines, originally de los Reyes, shortened by immigration officials when he came to the United States.

And your last name, by traditional naming standards is Beadle. Which is totally confusing because your dad goes by his last name.

Actually, it's not confusing.

Have I Told You Tuesday: Where Three or More are Gathered

Dearest Daughters,

Ugh. I don't know why I'm being so serious and intense lately. It'll pass soon and I'll have something ridiculous and humorous to offer soon, I promise. Maybe some more college exploits? Like the time I tried to clean up a spilled drink with my flip flop, because I declared, "It's absorbent!"

Or not.

For better or worse, being a person of color in this country means toeing the line between shoving yourself in people's faces (educating the ignorant) for the good of all humans and knowing when to lay low.  It's kind of like parenting in that you have to learn to choose your battles. When will speaking up do more good than bad? Or when will it worsen the situation.

Lola has some particular "things" that irk her because of the world she was raised in where judgements were frequently and easily made. I wasn't conscious of these "things" until I had you girls. Like babies should wear socks. Shoes should be worn EVERY time you leave the house. Faces should be wiped and clothes should be clean.

Seems simple enough. But, then you become a parent and go out into the world of other parents. And you see a precious little white baby with mismatched clothes (however hipster) and a messy face. Maybe not wearing shoes. And you think nothing of it. You look at your own browner child with crazy, tangled curls, a dirty face and wearing red and purple together (in a decidedly non-hipster way). And you think, HOLY COW, my child looks like she just left a refugee camp and is "Fresh Off the Boat." And if you're thinking that, what are ALL THESE OTHER PEOPLE at the Target food court thinking?!?

It's unfortunate, but appearance does matter.