Dearest Daughters,
A silver lining in this whole I Never Want To Leave the House Again bout of anxiety, is that I'm learning to embrace simply being at home. Not running from here to there or saying "yes" to every social invitation or obligation. Not feeling guilty about letting you watch TV (which you did before, I just spent too much time feeling guilty about it.)
I'm giving myself permission to lay low for awhile. To make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner. To sit and do puzzles.
Of course, I can't hide from the Zoo and children's museums forever. And PB and J will undoubtedly get old. Or we'll run out of peanut butter. Whichever comes first.
Not to mention that as simple and as lovely as life is right now, it's rooted in my fear of having a panic attack and fueled by mild-depression-like symptoms of general self-defeat, procrastination, lack of motivation, etc.
It's not great right now, but it'll be fine. I'm taking all the right steps to be in a better place tomorrow, next week and next year than I was last week, last month and last year. And isn't that all we are ever trying to do? To be in a better place? To continue to grow into the person God intends for us to be?
In light of my contemplative attitude and in thinking about low-stress outings that I can take with you girls in the Great Re-Introduction to Society of 2012, I wanted to share some photos from a visit we took back in January to the Hayward Japanese Garden.
We went on an overcast day. It was entirely empty except for a group of teenage girls taking what I can only guess they thought were glamour shots.
It's not a big garden. And I don't mean to knock the gardeners, but it's not one of those fancy gardens where I'm fearful that Danjo will either trample precious flora or fall into the koi pond. (Though they do have a koi pond observable from a fully-banistered pagoda.)
There are no signs saying to stay on the path and there are also these gravel paths that lead to various rock outcroppings, surrounded by plants, suggesting to me that it's okay to venture off, sit, contemplate and/or climb and throw rocks. Whatever your cup of tea.
So, it's actually sort of a perfect place for a relatively peaceful, low-stress outing with my smallsies.
Maybe it's just my imagination or Xanax-induced haze. Or maybe you girls are just that empathetic. Or like those dogs who sense earthquakes? Whichever, you've been really great lately, playing together so well, offering me your lovies, not acting like crazy caged animals even though you've watched Rio three times in a row and haven't breathed fresh air since Sunday.
(I'm being a little poetic-liscency-dramatic here, People; we do actually take walks and play outside. And run errands and go places as a family. I just haven't taken on the challenge of a major outing with both girls by myself yet.)
I know you won't remember this. And I know you don't care if you eat hot dogs for dinner and watch movies all week. Nevertheless, I thank you for being such wonderful babies to this currently not-all-there-momma.
Love,
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