Dearest Daughters,
This is hard.
And a really new thing. New, like, baby chick new. Like, two days ago new. Well, my realization is new, but the history of what I'm about to tell you is at least as old as me.
This moment is very fresh and some would advise against publishing my un-vetted, un-in-retrospect feelings on the Internet. But, I thought, maybe someone out there can sympathize or tell me it'll be okay or give me some tips? I also thought: but, I don't want my in-laws or my sister or my aunts and uncles to know!
Ultimately, that thought compelled me to share this. Because, I present so much of our lives on this website; it was my original premise to be transparent, to share the good and the bad of parenthood, of being a family, of your beloved mommy; so it would be just plain wrong to act as if today was no different from yesterday.
Basically, I have anxiety issues. And, currently, am developing a self-diagnosed panic disorder. It's so melodramatic! But, I'm highly self-aware so, I both laugh and cry to think of it! LOL! Waaaah!
Well, there's lots that I can say and will continue to say, background and foreshadowing and a whole story that was and is and will continue to be.
For now, suffice it to say, I've endured two panic attacks in one week. (All on our sunny, happy vacation! Which, I do not mislead, was thoroughly happy and sunny in-between the panic attacks.) And that was the beginning of the end.
This is a stream-of-consciousness email I wrote to Lolopop this morning, so sorry if it doesn't all make sense or you're missing some background info, but here goes:
Thanks, Daddy.
I'm going to my PCP on Wednesday, hopefully to get a referral to talk to a psychiatrist or psychotherapist or whomever. I plan to insist on it.
Not sure if it's a curse or a blessing, but it's really been the past year that I've started to realize my "suddenly not feeling good" is related to my anxiety levels and are basically panic attacks. And I'm starting to recognize my triggers, primarily travel, crowds, social situations I have pre-existing dread about and being in places where I feel trapped. This is on top of whatever general stress, worry and anxiety I have in my day-to-day life, which I tend to discount, given that I live a pretty blessed life. But, it's become a vicious cycle, fueled by not taking care of myself, not eating often enough, not drinking enough water, ignoring headaches or other minor ailments, not exercising or having time to de-stress, drinking too much coffee (damn you, Keurig!), trying to do much for too many.
I think back to incidents as a child that I'd characterize as panic attacks, and to times in college, just getting on the airplane to leave that I thought I wouldn't make it. But, I always did. It's with the addition of children, of these little dependent creatures, that my anxiety has increased, that I've had more frequent and stronger, more uncontrollable panic attacks.
So, this realization is what's driving me crazy. I understand and can explain and intellectualize my anxiety, but I can't help it. While in retrospect I can see what triggered my recent panic attacks, in the moment I didn't know they were going to happen. It was unexpected, I thought everything was fine. And then I'm consumed by a rush of adrenaline, heart-racing, nausea and (yay!) diarrhea. Then, it's a snowball, a monster, I'd even go so far to say that it feels like a demon takes over and I can't control it. And I want to. And the anxiety about throwing up, about how to get out of the bathroom, let alone the HUGE Los Angeles Zoo (!), about beadle and the girls and their health and happiness, about my inability to take care of them, let alone myself; it all just builds and builds and I can't stop it.
Beadle's being good and supportive, as I talk and talk and talk about it. And I sound so sane when I talk, but I feel like a crazy person inside. I'm just living in fear of when another panic attack will happen. Especially since beadle is leaving for a week. I can hardly look at the girls without starting to feel sick with anxiety that I'll have a panic attack and be unable to care for them. I'm afraid to leave the house, my stomach turns when I think about standing in line to buy groceries.
Each night, since Saturday, I think: I just need to go to bed, to end this day, to reset and in the morning it will be better. This morning has been fine so far, but all we've done is dropped beadle off at BART. I have plans this afternoon to drop the girls off with Dina and go grocery shopping and I'm sure I'll be fine. But, this little demon looms in the back of my mind. I just keep trying to distract myself, to play with play dough and keep talking to the girls, to read something on my iPhone when my thoughts start to turn. But, even that feels strained, I know I'm just tricking myself and I feel a little fake, like I'm just numbing my senses, taking my glasses off, trying to concentrate on nothing at all while trying to concentrate on something specific.
I know, in general, what I need to do. I took some time to do some breathing and yoga last night. I took Maribel to the doctor yesterday, because I had to and I was focused enough on the task at hand to not even think about having a panic attack, until we were sitting in the waiting room and the downward spiral of "what ifs" and "where's the bathroom" and "what do I do with Maribel?" began. But, we were called into the office, I distracted myself with my phone and we made it home fine, my heart racing nonetheless. Beadle was home so I made us take a walk to McDonald's to get ice cream, but I couldn't go in, for fear of the smells and people. I didn't even feel like eating ice cream!!!
It's just the thought of a panic attack that gets my heart racing, so I feel paralyzed, I don't even want to enter that territory. And I feel so so so so mentally ill. Like, literally. I'm a crazy person right now, my brain is eating itself.
Beadle said, "you're just over-thinking it." To which, I replied, "that's exactly the point."
I'm pretty sure that over-thinking and excessive worrying are in my genetic code. So, I accept that my anxiety is a pre-existing condition and that I need to be intentional about, going forward, trying to maintain a general anxiety level 3 or 4, rather than the 7 or so at which I usually operate.
So, again: take care of myself, physically, emotionally, etc.
But, it's the meantime that worries me.
Maybe another day without incident, another night's sleep and I'll stop worrying about panicking?
Or, just give me the drugs for now!!! I'll talk coping mechanisms and guided imagery and general de-stressing-counseling and exercise later!
Can't wait until you guys get home! To give me big hugs and let me cry and tell me everything will be okay.
Love,
Lauren
Hey dear. Just catching up on this now, but wanted to say that my heart goes out to you. I've never experienced panic attacks but can totally empathize on the crushing anxiety front. Anytime you want to talk about this stuff, or anything else, I am happy to be a listening (and medicated :) ) ear. Katina
Posted by: Katina | 13 May 2012 at 01:59 PM
Sorry, but I have to say something else--don't ever rule out other medical causes. I thought I was having panic attacks (it felt like a heart attack) and it turned out, after two years of chasing it, to be my gall bladder! NOT stones, but underperforming gall bladder. Of all things! I felt the adrenaline-rush feeling, the butterflies, the racing heart, the diahrrea...but it seemed completely random. Not caused by specific situations. Actually, it was caused by what I was eating and the fact that my gall bladder was going nuts. I still wear all my worry in my stomach, but that panicky thing is gone. Go to your GP first, I guess.
Posted by: amy | 24 April 2012 at 05:25 PM
Lauren, I suffer from severe anxiety. I tried everything. I was not going to take medication. I kept having panic attacks. It was affecting my entire life. Several times I thought I was having a heart attack. I was even taken by ambulance once to the ER.The worst one was when a resident at work shoved me into the wall. It brought on memories of abuse from my father and husband. Well to make a long story short my PCP put me on Paxil (for anxiety and depression) and Ambien (for sleep). The Paxil makes me sleepy so I take both at bedtime. Don't feel that this makes you mentally defective or any such thing. It is a chemical inbalance. It is also hereditory. My Grandmother suffered from this as well as my Mother and both of my kids. Take care of yourself and know that you are loved very much.
Posted by: Lori McPherson | 24 April 2012 at 12:07 PM
Whew! Thanks for the quick and abundant love and support. ALL helpful advice (and not unsolicited! I did ask!) A theme of this blog is vulnerability and I'm so glad I decided to write about this and to be vulnerable with you all! You're the best.
Keep it comin'!
Posted by: lauren gibbs-beadle | 24 April 2012 at 11:41 AM
hi, i have been diagnosed with severe anxiety. and i know that lifestyle changes will help me; more water, more exercise, less stress, etc. but i got to a point where the ONLY thing that helped me was medication, and it was night and day. prozac is my friend. for flying, ativan is my better friend. i was so overwhelmed by panic and anxiety that it was paralyzing, but within days prozac helped even me out. there is a lot to be said about chemical deficiencies etc. and it has taken me a lot of time to appreciate that it is a physical, not mental or emotional, issue for me. yes, i can get myself in a better headspace but the pills are what allow me to even consider it!!
Posted by: Katie A. | 24 April 2012 at 11:19 AM
As a self-diagnosed (and then doctor-diagnosed) anxious person, I've begun to enjoy my share of panic attacks. My favorite part (and I think I share this with Babybel): stress vomiting! When I'm super-anxious for long periods of time, I start to lose my appetite. And, much like a labrador retriever, if I lose my appetite, something is seriously wrong. Warning: Unsolicited advice to follow.
Three things that helped me the most (and these are just me and worked for my own anxiety, lifestyle, environmental surroundings, and body chemistry):
1. Talking to my general practitioner and getting a prescription for drugs to address the panic attacks. I decided not to go on any long-term drugs, but there are some that can help with just relaxing you in the midst of a panic attack. They made me a bit sleepy, but I could drive within a few hours, and they helped me regain my appetite, start producing saliva again (my number one sign of a panic attack coming on: serious dry mouth), and slowed down my heart rate. (I used Klonopin. I also used Ambien at night, since the anxiety was keeping me awake and when I did sleep, it wasn't good sleep; the exhaustion would just make the anxiety/panic attacks worse.) I also went off of birth control, which seemed to help some, too. Sometimes, your body chemistry just gets wacky!
2. Knitting. This helped with the overall anxiety. I'm not sure why, but having a small, unimportant project on which to focus that had a long-term goal, but that I could easily make progress within a few hours. It required just enough thought that I could focus on that and not all of the anxiety, but not complicated enough to cause more anxiety. Knitting for me is probably the equivalent of meditation for other people.
3. Terrible television. It is very distracting, often humorous, and, gosh darn it, I love to judge people I don't know. It also helps me to think how much more anxious I would be if I went on television and exposed my entire life and shit-talked all of my friends in front of a national audience. But that's not my life path, and I'm less anxious for it. Suggestions: Mob Wives (not appropriate for the babies), Real Housewives of anywhere/everywhere, Dance Moms, America's Next Top Model, Toddlers and Tiaras, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.
Good luck dealing with it! You're not alone- we have a group of three of us just in my office that have the "anxiety club". We all talk and laugh about the random things that set off our panic attacks. (Last piece of unsolicited advice: talking about it is so so so helpful for me. It makes me less anxious to know I'm not the only worrier out there and it isn't just me being high-maintenance.)
Posted by: Kate D. | 24 April 2012 at 11:17 AM
Sweetie, you are doing EVERYTHING you can. It's smart to want to get help, because with this kind of thing, trying too hard to "fix" it just makes it worse.
Having a child (or two) multiplies everything in your head about ten times. I never knew what anxiety was until I had a child. It doesn't get better when they're less "dependent" (what the heck does that mean, anyway...).
So find someone who knows more than you do (and yes, there IS someone like that) about anxiety attacks, panic attacks, psychology, psychiatry, and let them help you. You are JUST a mommy. Just because you have ovaries doesn't mean you are the expert at everything it takes to be a parent.
Talk to your daddy. I know he will have wise words. But also trust your instincts that you cannot take care of the babies completely if you are not as healthy as you can be. It would be the same if you had a broken ankle, right?
Love you, it'll be fine.
Auntie Amy
Posted by: amy | 24 April 2012 at 11:03 AM