Dearest Daughters,
Your Auntie Dee was busy being Awesome at Life this weekend. This skill, wherein one consumes large amounts of alcohol and food, while wearing sky-high heels and sassy 'fits and false eyelashes, all for about forty-eight hours straight--this is a skill that I sorely lack.
But, instead of spending my weekend being jealous and bitter in my Birkenstock's and alpaca poncho, while eating flax seed nut balls, I decided to spoil/indoctrinate her children with my crunchy East Bay ideologies. See my Twelve Tenets below.
Bwahahahaha! (That's "evil laugh"--we're working on adding that to Danjo's "fake laugh" repertoire.)
You. Are. Welcome.
Note: the following opinions are my own and are not registered or trademarked or widely accepted by all, if any, East Bay residents. This list is neither conclusive nor exhaustive and is primarily meant to annoy my sister.
1. Attachment Parenting - make sure something is attached to your baby at all times. Or else they will fail at life.
2. Productive Play - If your children MUST spend their time playing, make sure it is productive. Please do.
3. Safety - is important. Having a name brand car seat and designer shades is a corollary.
4. The Earth is our Mother - Feel free to play with and/or eat her.
5. Vampires - are awesome. Also: so is SPF 70 on your baby's face.
6.Respect the Ocean - she is also our Mother. And the Sky is also our Mother too. Oh. And the Sun. But, that might be our Father. I'm not sure. Multiple pagan deities is confusing. (Note: tiny Danjo and her daddy!)
8. Wardrobe - you really only need buy two items of clothing: a puffy vest (on D) and fleece (on Lolopop). The rest you can make yourself. On your loom or something.
9. Cuteness - in the East Bay no one shall so much as endeavor to be cute. Put down your mascara wand, pull on your yoga pants, chose one of the aforementioned articles of outerwear and don't even bother. Why? Some may say that we do what we do in protest of vanity and the (general) Man, but the truth? What's the point? When 'dem babies are this cute?
10. Pinterest - please make every effort to complete every project on Pinterest, but only using vegan things and mason jars. Or your loom, of course. I saw this idea on Pinterest and allowed my children their annual bath. I made these glow sticks out of fairy dust that I humanely (fairy-ly?) harvested using green, organic, carbon-neutral practices.
11. Occupy - public spaces. Make sure your children are wearing mis-matched clothing and have the remnants of an other-nut-than-peanut-butter sandwich on their faces, as they loudly explain their bodily functions. Allow them to run amuck and pour tan-bark on other children's heads. Never use the word "no," because it makes me hurt inside. And kills one of my backyard faeries every time you do so.
12. Grass - I know what you're thinking, but that's not the kind of grass I mean. What I'm talking about is not using pesticides or weed killers or other toxins that harm stuff and drain to the Bay and can get all over your kids and chickens. Let your lawn die on it's own, like us! Let the crab grass take over! Let the neighbors report you for violating weed (not that kind) abatement ordinances! Say "forget you" to thirsty lawns and embrace drought tolerant dandelions and the Great California Poppy!
I've run out of pictures from the weekend and, therefore, have no more East Bay wisdom to impart.
If you're from the East Bay, I hope you feel supported in your endeavors at single-handed-ly saving the universe via your conscious consumer and lifestyle decisions.
And if you are my sister and not from the East Bay, you might be feeling really badly about yourself right now, in the face of all my East Bay awesomeness. Never fear! Take heart! I've sent the fairies to visit the God of Coconuts (inclusive of water and oil). And they will beseech his mercy on you and your non-composting ways.
(Also: I'm not for reals here, guys. I totally threw some styrofoam away today.)
Love,
Thank you, @annieking! I thrive on encouraging words. That and tofurkey ;)
Posted by: Mommy (not yours, but theirs) | 07 March 2012 at 09:40 AM
I do enjoy these really creative musings!
Posted by: Annieking | 06 March 2012 at 05:07 PM