Dearest Daughters,
As I was brushing my teeth last night, my nose started bleeding.
And I was like: what the HECK? My nose hasn't bled since that time when I was six and learned the hard way that there is a limit to nose picking.
I tried to recall the First Aid class I took when Babybel was little-er. What's the current stance on Nose Bleed Cessation? Pinch, but don't tilt. Or else you'll drown your child in their own nose blood.
So, there I am, pinching and not tilting my head back, so I don't drown, my toothbrush hanging out of my mouth. Which is about a 7 on my scale of 1 to 10 of Unpleasant Things. Because I hate toothpaste. It's disgusting and makes me gag. And THAT made me think of being pregnant. Because the two times I've been with child, my already eager gag reflex went into overdrive. Just looking at toothpaste would make me gag. So, I didn't brush my teeth for nine months.
Luckily, I was born with the good kind of teeth. It's something they don't tell you. Some people are just born with good teeth. Yes, brush your teeth, blah, blah, blah. But, those who are going to get cavities, will get them. And those who won't, won't. Brushing the "sugar bugs" off, as we say at home, will certainly reduce the number of cavities you get, but as I said, you'll get them or you won't.
But, that's neither here nor there. We're not talking about dental hygiene today. We're talking about nosebleeds. And nose picking.
I obsessively picked my nose to the point of a nosebleed.
Another side effect of being pregnant is swelling. Inflammation, in general and in all parts, nooks and crannies. Swollen everything. In addition to retaining MORE water than usual, one's body is also creating and circulating MORE blood, producing MORE mucus, MORE tears (dependent on Hallmark commercial intake), MORE urine (or at least MORE trips to the bathroom), MORE of everything. You know, just in case. The baby might need it. Selfish, demanding parasite.
In my case, more mucus = more boogers.
Gnarly, huge, nose-blocking boogers.
Let me tell you, there was nothing on God's green earth more satisfying that picking those preggo boogers. Liberating, emancipating, freeing them from the confines of my nose. Consequently, the nosebleeds.
Your dad, kids in your class and teachers are going to catch you picking your nose and squeal, "Ewwwwww. THAT'S DISGUSTING!"
But, the truth is: EVERYONE picks their nose. And EVERYONE is in denial.
Use a tissue, some might suggest. But, if you've ever had a pregnant booger, you know, all the blowing in the world isn't gonna get that sucker out.
So, use your finger. Go ahead, I give you permission. Under two conditions.
1) Don't pick your nose in public. Because it makes people uncomfortable. Because it reminds them of that time they were picking their nose in the car or in second grade and someone saw them. A time about which, they are happily in denial. When they see you pick your nose, it reminds them of their pain. So, just pick your nose in the bathroom. Your bedroom even. When you TRULY are alone. Basically, if you're in a situation where it's not okay to masturbate, then it's not okay to pick your nose.
2) Picking your nose makes you sick. Okay, not directly, but it is ONE way that germs enter your body. Through those sensitive, eager to bleed membranes. So, when you pick your nose, make sure your hands are clean. And when you're done, properly dispose of your booger. Then, wash your hands again. Hand sanitizer is a good alternative if you're in a hurry.
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| From June 2010: Moving To Our New House |
(Playing the role of booger in this production: avocado.)
This has been a message from the Parental Broadcasting System, keeping you safe from cavities, germs and booger-related public stoning and irreversible psycological scarring. As well as nosebeeds.
Thank you for your attention. You may resume your normal business.
Love,
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