Adobo and Buzz Lightyear: my master plan for raising mixed girls

Dearest Daughters,

Having biracial children, Lola and Lolopop made a conscious decision to raise us as Filipino as possible. Lola was born in the United States, doesn't speak the language, cook much of the food and is not Catholic (which is a big cultural aspect of being Filipino). So, raising us "Filipino" entailed surrounding us with a community of Filipino aunties and uncles, seeking out the annual Manila Fests around Northern California and teaching us a few words and phrases that my dad picked up in a Tagalog class. Other stuff too: buying books, teaching us to respect our elders, sending a rice cooker with me to college. And more!

I knew my dad was white, I knew I was part white, but most of my childhood I claimed to be Filipino, because that's the culture I identified with. Also, I didn't want to be the only "white girl" in my grade in predominantly Asian south Stockton. Then in middle school, when we moved to Marin County, I didn't want to be one of "those kids" who were cruel middle schoolers at a school aptly called White Hill; "those" mean kids also happened to be white, which in retrospect I can't blame them for. But imagine my culture shock and the associations I made between my first immersion in white society and being treated so meanly, made fun of for my smelly lunches and self-concious when the envelope to collect money for weekly pizza day circulated around homeroom. (I'll add for a point of reference, there was NO subsidized school lunch program at White Hill. Lunch was "catered" two days a week--pizza and burrito days--the rest of the days everyone brought their own lunch. The school I went to before had almost 100% participation in the free or reduced lunch program. My parents made enough money that we never qualified for free or reduced lunches, so we were accostomed to bringing our brown bags. But the fact that NO ONE at the school qualified for a subsidized lunch, shows that socio-economic issues were also at play.)

"What ARE you?" they'd ask.

"A human."

"No. I mean where are you from?"

"My mother's womb?"

"You know what I mean. Like what nationality are you?"

"My nationality is American. I was born here."

"No like what ARRRRREEE you? You know!"

"Oh! I'm Filipino."

Blank stares. Perhaps, they were considering what Filipino is or why I'm obviously so stupid. Perhaps both.

Sometimes after telling perceptive people I was Filipino, I always got that "what else?" look. Whereupon I'd give my admission of mix-ed-ness.

My parents always told us, "You're not half of anything. You are one hundred percent Filipino and one hundred percent white. One hundred percent American. One hundred percent loved." The math doesn't work out too well, but you get the sentiment.

Were Lola and Lolopop teaching me to deny my "whiteness"? To deny years of history of inequality and casseroles? Quite the opposite. My parents' intentional decision to stuff Filipino down our throats was simply because whiteness would be stuffed down our throats EVERYWHERE else. We'd get the language, the food, the history, the values, the music, the actors, and all the white-American cultural norms at school, at the grocery store, every time we turned on the television.

It wasn't my parents' job to teach us how to "fit in" to politically popular, socially accepted, normative hegemonic American society. Unless we were autistic, which, turns out, we weren't, then we'd navigate that territory on our own. It was their job to provide opportunities and spaces for us to learn about, embrace, be proud of and explore our full identity. Similarly, my Lola and Lolopop gave us both of their last names. Both my younger brother and I have the same middle name, my mom's maiden name: Reyes. As well as having my dad's last name: Gibbs. They told us we could write our name however we wanted. Lauren Reyes Gibbs, Lauren Gibbs, Lauren R. Gibbs, Lauren Reyes-Gibbs. L to the RG. It seems like a silly and perhaps loose analogy, but my parents provided me a name, provided me every opportunity to learn about and shape my cultural identity, then they said, go forth into the world, with the name, with the identity of your choosing.

Dearest Daughters, you also are "mixed." You look mixed, to me. But, you also look Filipino. People will treat you how they see you. Nevertheless, I will give you every opportunity, in the way my parents did, to explore your bi-cultural-ness.

Likewise, rasising daughters, I think it's important to stuff dinosaurs, trains, robots, etc. down your throat. Though, I'm being just as sexist by accepting the notion of genderized "boys" toys, books and activities, it follows the same logic that my parents took twenty-seven years ago. The world will teach you about princesses and baby dolls and pink. It's my job to provide every opportunity for you to explore parts of your identity with which the world isn't so forthcoming.

So, though, he is a Disney character and makes noises and flashes lights, I will continue to embrace your love of Buzz Lightyear. We will make super hero capes and attempt to find clothing that isn't pink. We will build towers and crash trains into them. We will read books about construction vehicles and sing songs about Dinosaurs. And you'll rebel, I'm certain. And want to wear frilly dresses and fake eyelashes (though you really don't need them). You'll choose bologna sandwiches over chicken adobo. Which is totally fine and is YOUR decision.

And that's the point.

Love,

Comments

[amy]

No, I'm absolutely not at all offended, just needed some clarification, and you answered a number of questions. Maybe I should have just asked those questions to begin with instead of getting all Auntie on you.
Anyway, as I said, I don't really know, because I wasn't there, how much my brother has taught you about Gibbs/Bott/and all the other on his side people.
If I ever veer into that generic whiteness, please smack me upside the head. I will totally admit I have no basis for any kind of real understanding of what childhood or teenagehood or adulthood is like for any person of color. I just want to hear from smart, funny, introspective people like you about who you are and how you got there.
I'm not sure what it feels like, but not a slight, really. Just a little puzzlement. Keep writing about this whole thing. I think it's important to look at it, poke it, bounce it up and down, turn it inside out a little.
I also don't want to offend anyone, most especially not you.
It's interesting. My daughter is half Greek, but that culture is such a different thing, maybe it's because it's European or something. She is dark-skinned, and has been asked if she has Asian heritage. I've been asked that. I'm honestly not sure how to answer that. Okay, yeah, I know, she's not Asian, but it's like people somehow need to know that, or if she Hispanic, but when they learn she's half Greek, they say "Oh, well okay then...." Yeah, what does that mean?
Anyway, not to ramble...thanks for an honest, thoughtful response. I love hearing about you and your family. I wish my siblings would blog more, because I really miss being near and being able to be a real part of their lives.
Love you,
Auntie

[Mommy (not yours, but theirs)]

As you say, Gibbsness is separate from socially constructed "whiteness." I would not have nor have I ever denied being a Gibbs. I haven't equated being a Gibbs with being "just" white. I apologize for offending if my post seems to suggest that.

I've know more about my Gibbs/Bott family tree than I'll ever know about the Reyes one. I have spent time with my Gibbs family AND my Reyes family. It is not one or the other. Or one at the expense of the other. We live in a both/and world, where there is always room at the table. And for me to have been raised Filipino or a Reyes or to raise my daughters as such does not deprive them of access to their Gibbsness or, even, their whiteness. It merely provides them with space to be proud of and accept who they are entirely. Looking at the whole of society, I don't see too many people who are ashamed to be or have had damaging experiences because they are white. The same can not be said by most people of color, whose unemployment, incarceration, earnings and education statistics as well as representation in media leave much to be desired.

As you also mention, I wouldn't deprive my daughters of spending time with my Grandma, or my dad or (remember) beadle's parents, or Super Auntie M or you and Lindsay. And on the other hand, exposing my children to Filipino culture has little to do with spending time with Filipino family. Because of my mom's family dynamics, my daughters and I have spent more time with my Gibbs relatives in the past fifteen years than with any Reyes relatives (lovely and crazy though they may be-I know you're reading!) So, if my father's decision to focus on Filipino-ness or Reyes-ness feels like a slight to Gibbs-ness, that is frankly not evidenced in my own relations to my family.

You may disagree. I feel, that by drawing attention to aspects of their heritage that their teachers won't, I am only adding to the list of reasons-Gibbs, Reyes, Beadle or otherwise-that they have to be proud of who they are.

In terms of gender and interests, I heed your warning and will do my best to listen to listen to my children. I just think my listening ears work a little better when they're asking to make the couch into a pirate ship instead of inquiring when the princess dress will come out of "the laundry."

[amy]

I totally understand and love that my brother and your mother raised you with so much awareness and love of Filipino traditions and culture.
I don't know how much (and I've taken this up with Joel, too) "Gibbsness" he's stuffed you with. Gibbsness is entirely separate from Whiteness, as Reyesness is separate from Filipinoness.
I'm sure, as is evidenced by some of your personality and characteristics, the Gibbsness can't help but be there.
I do also understand how White culture is so predominant, and that pink is a girl color and everyone assumes stuff about you that might or might not be true (like that you must love vampire books because you are a young teen girl). I guess what I take some exception to is that the Gibbs part of you is relegated to being "just" white. That part of you is a whole long line of real people who lived and breathed, and still do, some of them.
It's your choice as a parent to teach your kids your values and your ideals. It's your kids' choice to figure out what fits them, eventually. Like when they're 30 and have a job...or maybe earlier.
I'm glad you take the time to see Grandma, and to get to know her. People are who they are through lots of complex influences. Who they lived with, where they grew up, what kind of people they were around when they were young.
I found that raising Lindsay to like what she likes (she still loves Pokemon and dragons and brandishing a sword now and then) was more a matter of my being interested in what she thought and said about these things, and also making those superhero capes with the logo she drew and finding swords and scabbards. She wouldn't have liked pink foofy things even if I had provided them for her, which I didn't. I think we should respect and listen to our kids when they talk about stuff...even if it is about a Pokemon character and you have no idea what she's talking about.
Just listen, and try to figure out what it is about this that they like...and ask them what they like about it. Could be something you would never have guessed.