Beauty in Chaos

Dearest Daughters,

Before the Internet, people used to dress up when the left the house. If presenting themselves to the world, they did so in their "best."

Now, we wear yoga pants on airplanes. Airplanes, dammit! Those amazing, flying contraptions that are worthy of our respect, a nice pair of slacks and meticulously curled tendrils. Unless you're Babybel. Then, your tendrils curl just fine on their own.

I wear jeans to work.

And it's all the Internet's fault. Because, now we don't care about presenting ourselves to real people in the real world. If the real world rejects me, I have the World Wide Web. There, I can be whomever I choose.

I read other blogs. Blogs of beauty. And perfection. Perfect lives. Handsome husbands. Well-behaved children. Clean houses with white interiors. Homemade clothing and five course dinners and community service. Lives packaged and presented just as we are intended to see.

I don't deny that I write, re-write, and edit for public consumption. I'm not going to post ugly photos. I'm not going to write words that I haven't thought about.

I write for a good chuckle, for pat on the back, for a Facebook "like," but mostly, I write for you. This blog isn't just a premise. I write, in hopes that my rambling reflections will inform my practice as a parent RIGHT NOW. And I hope that one day, you'll read my words and know me a little better, know yourselves a little better. You'll have something to remember me by when I'm gone. And that could happen anytime.

Okay. Getting morbid. Moving on.

I've never had a good filter. So why start now? I shall not mislead. With lies. And contrived photo shoots. And lies. And stories of perfect children. Or perfect Mommy, for that matter.

To tell you the truth, this is what our kitchen sink looks like most of the time:

Well, without the flower. Actually, the vase sits there. And usually there's a flower in it, it's just usually more decayed then alive. And I put a border on the picture to be artistic. Because it's kind of beautiful in its messy chaos.

I was raised in a messy, chaotic house. I hated it. (And if you're worried about my transparency, I don't think my parents would be upset to ready any of this. I wouldn't write it otherwise. Plus, they know so much more than I'm telling you.) I tried to control as much as I could of my world, mostly by keeping my room clean, bossing my brother around, getting good grades, and, oh, attempting to be in total control of my emotions, i.e. suppressing feelings (another story for another time). As I got older, got therapy, got a grip, I became less of a control freak. And the messy chaos has slowly been leaking through the cracks.

I'm a garbage stacker. And, as evidenced above, a dirty dish stacker. I also fail to put away clean clothes; they sit in laundry baskets at the foot of my unmade bed. And I leave dirty clothes on the floor for a few days. If your Daddy didn't give me the stink eye, they'd still be there right now. Four years worth.

The bookshelf is organized. The toys are put away. The counter tops are sanitized. The toilet is disinfected. Hey, the laundry is even done if not put away! Oh, I feel so in control when things are categorized and clean!

And yet, the dishes are just sitting there as I write this.

I need both the chaos and the order. Without chaos, I'd have nothing to set right. And without the order, nothing to make me feel in control. (This is why when I'm angry, I clean like there's no tomorrow.)

And so, perhaps subconsciously, I make sure to always keep a little chaos around. Yes, something to conquer. And also to remind me that not all of my ducks have to be in a row. That the world will not end if Lauren doesn't get an 'A', if the people in her life are not perfect, if she is not perfect, if Lauren lets herself feel some world-altering emotion, if Lauren leaves dishes in the sink.

Girls, you'll each have a distinct personality. Nature. Nurture. Your mom. Your dad. Who knows. Too many factors. My wish for you is neither to keep your room meticulously clean, nor to sleep in a nest made of your hair and bubble gum. This is not about personality type or chores (which, you will be assigned, by the way).

My wish for you is to be able to tolerate uncertainty. The grey area. To accept contradictions and ambiguity. To live in the middle.

Right now, the world, for you, is fairly black or white. Right or wrong. Good or bad. Yes or no. It is taxing to live in a world of such extremes. I know. It is a world in which I still struggle. After being raised in such a world, it is even more difficult to extricate oneself from it. I fear, that I will not help you to navigate it well. That I will be the offender, making you feel wrong, bad, forced into extremes.

It seems then, my wish is not so much for you, as for me. That I am able to provide a context where there is more than one answer, more than one way, more than one perspective and even more questions. Where I do not make your daily or your greater life about right or wrong. About good or bad. About yes or no. But, about all of it existing together. And being okay with that, because there's beauty in the chaos.

Love,

Mommy

Comments

[Mommy, not yours, but theirs]

Jess, thanks for the linkage love. Your blog is a great read as well!

[Jess]

Great post! Just wanted to let you know that I linked to it for this weeks [Preserving Monday]. Thanks!

[Mommy (not yours, but theirs)]

Katina, Ryan and Trina - Thanks all for the kind words!

[Trina Riepe]

Really interesting stuff, Lauren! I enjoyed reading it and hearing about the home my little 'cousins' (2nd? once removed?) are being raised in by you and Mike. I too have battled the balance of chaos, disorder, perfectionism, cleanliness, all to find that place that is 'comfortable' to live in for myself and those I share a home with. Your blog is unique and will be a treasure to your beautiful daughters, more as insight into who their mother is and then as insight into what your influence is on them. What a great idea to write to them, for them, and because of them!

[Ryan]

Love it!

[Katina]

Awesome Lauren. Am bookmarking this for future reference and reflection.