It's a new year! Hooray!
And I am so blessed and elated to be able to spend another year with my funny, intelligent, beautiful and growing girls!
In our culture, we make these things called "New Year's Resolutions." I read somewhere on someone's (who I can't recall) social media update or another, that New Year's Resolutions are a "To-Do list for the first week of January."
People have the best of intentions, but it takes a loooong time for any given behavior to become a habit. More than the twenty-one days or whatever collective wisdom says. It take a looooooong time.
More power to you if your resolution sticks past this week!
It's not that I'm anti-resolution, in general. As a recovering perfectionist, I'm just anti-resolution for me. The most that I can hope for this year is to make sure I write the correct year on my checks.
And, that's fine with me. Taking baby steps is much more achievable and manageable than any sweeping, life-altering resolution.
And I'd like to think that I've been taking baby steps all year. And will continue to do so into 2012, doh, I mean, 2013.
I was talking with Auntine Ninang KT while she was visiting. We were discussing some recent Facebook posts we'd seen about how horrible 2012 was for people and how they were hopefully looking forward to a new year.
I was pleasantly surprised to find myself saying that 2012 wasn't a bad year for me. I conceded, that perhaps, some "bad" things had happened to me. Even so, I'd downgrade "bad" things to "unpleasant" and then, ultimately to "things that weren't so great, but I'm glad they happened."
I know more about myself and mental illness and anxiety and panic attacks and mindfulness and meditation and happiness and taking care of myself and my family now than I knew at the beginning of last year.
I probably won't ever be able to go the Los Angeles Zoo again (where I had a major panic attack in April). And the thought of airports and flying in an airplane still terrifies me.
But, I'd say I'm navigating my life better now than ever before.
That's not to say that I don't still get manic or depressed or anxious, but now I recognize my mental and physical health hurdles. Whereas, before I battled through, ignoring my mind and body.
In some ways, my day-to-day life feels worse than before, more intense, salient, because I'm more mindful, because I can identify and name my emotions, because I feel the feelings instead of pushing them down. But, I prefer it this way. In the long run, it's good for me.
I never, never, ever again want to enter the depths of the deepest depression I experienced this past year. I could not be moved. Literally. I curled up against all the pain and wished and prayed for its end. I could not care for you, let alone, myself. Everyone around me was worried and afraid and worked overtime to pick up the slack, to get me help.
I did lose a ton of weight (which I've doubly gained back)!
But, in all seriousness, on the other side, with the help of a supportive family and friends (THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU--to Lola and Lolopop, Auntie Ninang Jonelle, Auntie Dina, and everyone else who prayed, visited, brought food, but especially to my beloved husband--I know this wasn't and still isn't easy), with help from medical and psychological professionals and modern medicine, I hazard to say that I'm glad I had this life crisis--this wake up call, this alarm, this emergency.
The past is gone. The future is but a concept. All there is, is today. Call it 2013, call it Friday, call it today.
Today. I am alive. I am well. And I am on a path to wholeness, happiness and fulfillment.
Moment by moment, staying on that path, savoring you by my side, is all I wish for in the coming year.
Well, that, and the writing the right year on my checks thing.
Love you no matter what,