Don't let anyone tell you different. There are two types of people in this world.
(Pooper #1 in a corner of the hospital room on the day Pooper #2 was born.)
Those for whom pooping is easy. And those for whom it is not.
The former, the type that poops all the time, that can't sit through the dessert course without having to excuse him or herself, the type that makes pooping seem so, well, natural, you'd think they would have a healthy appreciation of poop jokes and would want for nothing else than to discuss poop all day.
You would be SO wrong.
They give little thought to their poop, the bastards.
By now, you can guess which type of person I am.
I am that latter. The type of person that has always had trouble pooping. And, therefore, always hated pooping.
And yet, I am obsessed with poop. I talk about it all the time. Because pooping is this elusive skill that I was born without.
I mean, I am physically able to poop. I'm not some sort of mutant human anomaly. Aside from the fact that I like to talk about poop.
Let's just put it this way. When I was having post-partum pooping difficulties akin to giving birth yet AGAIN, Lola told me, sorry, honey, you're just a "little asshole."
I've had doctors and aesthetician and next door neighbors tell me that I need to poop more. To drink more water, to eat more fiber. That I should be pooping three times a day. Not only does that sound like an obscene amount of time to spend in the bathroom, but it also sounds unpleasant and, frankly, impossible. Trust me, I've tried it all.
Some of us are just born this way. Ahem, Babybel. (So sorry about that, BTW. Nothing like seeing your child in pain and knowing it's ALL MY FAULT.)
And some of us are born, like Daddy and Danjo, pooping four times a day. And I envy them, their poopy alone time in the bathroom or behind a piece of furniture, respectively.
Do you know how much reading I could get done if only I pooped more frequently? That New Yorker subscription would finally pay off. And I would be SO well read.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know. Each of us is born with certain genetic traits. And we are stuck with whatever bowel movements or sleeping habits or general temperament our parents have given us.
Pooping is in your genes.
It's a general life lesson really. You are who you are. Don't be ashamed of who you are. Each of us is born different, with different set of skills, abilities and struggles.
Some of us are really good at science and painting, but struggle with music and pooping. For example.
And those who are great at pooping, maybe have a hard time with math and fine motor skills. For example.
I'm just saying.
(Also, one word: coffee.)