My OB told me not to tell the story of my labor and delivery. That women would be jealous. But, he also said (as he did during my pregnancy) that women can't help themselves: we like to talk about ourselves. The best response to women who like to "share" their birth horror stories, their opinions about belly size, their pregnancy dramas, is to "smile, nod and say 'thank you'," as my doc said.
And now I find myself on the other side. And I can't help myself. Plus, inquiring minds want to know...
It was an "abnormally fast and easy birth" or so I've been told by my doctors and nurses. It went a little something like this:
Thursday, January 22nd...
Me: Hi, mom, what's a mucus plug look like. Okay. Then, yippeee! This might happen soon!
Friday, January 23rd...
4:45pm-
My doctor: You're not having this baby until at least 41 weeks.
5:00pm-
Me: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I want this baby out. I want fried chicken. I hate my doctor.
Saturday, January 24th...
1:00am-
Me: Ouch. Hmmm. Kinda hurts, but I can fall asleep between the cramping. Maybe I should groggily check the clock and time these babies. 15 minutes.
3:30am-
Me: Okay, now I can't fall asleep in the 10 minutes between these silly pains. I'll go try to sleep on the couch. Um, never mind. I can't really get comfortable. It hurts, but I'm thinking this is going to stop. After all, my doctor just told me I wouldn't pop for another week. I'll just do something to distract myself. Facebook!
5:30am-
Me: Now they're 7-8 minutes apart. Dang. No one's updating their facebook statuses. I'll try to watch a movie. Nope that's not gonna work. I can't concentrate. I can't really sit still either; I'll sit on this exercise ball during these ouchy things.
6:30am-
Me: Now they're 3-4 minutes apart. I think that's when you're supposed to call the doctor, but only after they've been that way for an hour. What's that, beadle? Oh. No. I'm fine. You keep sleeping. I'm sure these'll stop any second now. I mean, my doctor said 41 weeks!
7:00am-
Me: Okay, beadle. I guess you should wake up now. I think I'll call the doctor in a half hour. Nope, there's nothing you can do to help. It doesn't hurt THAT badly.
7:30am-
Me: Hi, Mr. On Call Doctor Guy, I think I'm in labor. Question mark. My contractions are about 3-4 minutes apart and they've been that way for an hour.
Mr. On Call Doctor Guy: Sounds like it's time for you to join us at the hospital!
Me: Beadle? Mr. On Call Doctor Guy says we should go to the hospital.
Beadle: I'll pack the car.
Me: Don't forget the carseat. Ouuuuuch. That one made me cry. Maybe because it hurt more, but maybe because now I can't ignore the fact that I might maybe actually sorta kinda be in LABOR!!! I want my mommy.
8:00am-
Triage Nurse: Are you checking in? Sign here, here, here, here, here and here.
Me: Wow, my signature was really sloppy.
Triage Nurse: Let's examine you. Wow. 5 centimeters.
Me: Really?
Mr. On Call Doctor Guy (from behind the curtain after hearing about my progress): I'm sure glad she joined us here!
Me: Mr. On Call Doctor Guy sure sounds nicer than my OB. Hey, lady you just jacked up my IV. And oh, yup, look, there you go again. That's gonna leave a bruise.
L&D Nurse: I'll be taking over. You do have tricky veins, but there you go. A nice clean IV. Do you intend to have an epidural?
Me: No, but I might. I want to see how I feel once I get to the L&D room. I'll probably take narcotics though.
9:30am-
L&D Nurse: Let's walk to your room. Take your time. If a contraction is too strong we can stop.
Me: Stop... Okay, go.
L&D Nurse: Here's your room. This is how the bed works, yadda, yadda, yadda.
Me: Medication? For the pain? I want it now, thank you.
L&D Nurse: We'll give you blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Me: Sounds great.
Beadle, Mommy, Daddy, Auntie Jonelle: You're doing great.
Me: Hee, hee, hee, hooooo.
Beadle, Mommy, Daddy, Auntie Jonelle: You're doing great.
Me: Hee, hee, hee, hooooo.
10:00am-
Me: You should NOT get pregnant unless you really, really, really want a baby. Oh. Those drugs feel nice. I can still feel the conractions, but I don't really care.
11:00ish am-
Me: I feel like I need to push. Does that feel like needing to poop? Because that's how I feel.
Mommy: Yes. Excuse me, nurse, she feels like she needs to push.
L&D Nurse: Well let's examine you. Oh, my! Nine centimeters. I guess you can do some practice pushing. Here's what you do.
Me: Push, push, push. Can I rest? Do I have to push on every contraction.
L&D Nurse: No, you don't have to, but you're gonna have to face the music. If you don't push now, you'll just have to push later.
Me: Hey, wait. I thought this was just "practice"... oh, another contraction. I HAVE to push. No resting for me even if I want to.
11:30ish am-
L&D Nurse: I better get the doctor. He's in the other room with a woman giving birth to her second baby. He thought she'd go first for sure.
Me: Push, push, push. More drugs?
Beadle's Parents: We arrived just in time!
Me: Come on in!
11:40ish am-
Beadle, Mommy, Daddy, Auntie Jonelle: We see the head!
Me: Is there hair?
Beadle, Mommy, Daddy, Auntie Jonelle: Yes...?
Me: I just want to be done.
Beadle, Mommy, Daddy, Auntie Jonelle: We know, honey.
Mr. On Call Doctor Guy: I'm here!
11:48am-
Mommy, Auntie Jonelle: Gasp! Sob! She's here!
Me: Thank God. Let's deliver this placenta then I'm dunzo.
So, that's that. Eleven hours of labor, five hours of "active labor", about 45 minutes of pushing. And a sweet baby girl. Jealous?