instead of rehashing the itinerary, exploits, shortcomings, etc of the past nine months, you're just going to have to grant me amnesty.
and i'll start where i am.
i've been pondering friendship lately. what with the face book and all, it's really become sort of a loose term, hasn't it? i've never been the type with many friends. i like to be distant and only let in people that have proved themselves worthy, whatever that has come to mean. but, i self-centeredly don't usually consider whether i'm worthy of another's friendship. i'm thankful and blessed by the friendship of people like katherine or kate or even renee (who worked really hard at being "worthy" or maybe just didn't care, until she broke down the door, or kept ringing the doorbell until i had no option but to let her in. and i'm thankful.)
i just read erica's blog and i'm mos def unworthy of her friendship. she's the coolest. on the other hand, i sometimes wonder if i really am her friend. it's all just a hopeful illusion, like the "imagined intimacy" between an imperial power and it's empire, as we talked about in anthro class today. not that i'm an imperialist, exploiting a new land. or that erica is an island of natural resources and savages. i mean, i'm her friend, bff forever, but i don't think she returns the sentiment or at least not in a way that i'm accustomed to. she lives a busy and wonderful life. and i've never been rejected by a friend before. i've never had a one-way friendship of idolization. i like to think that the cool kids i idolize tend to do the same for me because it took that much in the first place. i suppose there was angel. but, i don't know if i idolized her so much as i was ten and eager to please. she, at least, made me feel needed. used, but needed. i did take erica to target the other day, though, so that qualifies as being needed. maybe i can be okay with that.